My Review of Reviewers

So like many of you wonderful filmophiles out there I see as many things as I can on the big screen.  The moment my soft tushie hits that seat and sees the first preview I sigh to myself as I'm off to that dreamy land of escapism that even visa bills can't penetrate.

 That being said I read many reviews of movies.  Nothing is worse then spending 14 dollars on a movie so bad that calling it a "piece of shit" would be an insult to pieces of shit (see:  In the Name of the King).  I even like to read reviews about movies I already know I'll enjoy like, Ironman, Batman, and anything involving Hobbits.  It reaffirms what you already know.  YOURE GONNA LOVE THIS.  It's like when someone serves you a remarkable mouth watering steak, but before you take a bit they tell you "It's really good".  For me this in no way raises my expectations, but instead puts me in the mindset to really tuck into some good times. 

Here is the paradox.  Although I love reviews, I HATE many reviewers.  Let me extrapolate lest I offend. Not all of the fine keyboard wizards are that bad.  I'm sure some are nice people, and many of them are of the same opinion as I am on most films.  Some are I wouldn't cross the street to poke in the neck, like the guy who starts a review for a Will Ferrel with something like "Now I've never liked Will Ferrel, and this movie was no exception".  Then why the fuck did they send you to review this movie?  I love Will Ferrel, and yes some of his movies are bad, but only a person with the IQ of a boil bag of Turkey poo would hold it to the same standard as a Dramatic movie like "Atonement".  (Which was a terrible movie.  I didn't laugh once!) 

Again, this reviewer who is the pinnacle of douchebaggary, is in the minority, and I even suppose even his reviews serve a purpose out there: Lining Bird cages, hobo blankets, etc.  

My main problem is with the FORMAT of movie reviews.  What do we want when we look at a review?  Is the movie good, or bad?  Did you have fun?  What is the genre?  How was the acting?  THATS IT!   What we don't want is a NARRATIVE RECAP! Almost all reviews follow this format:

Title aka shitty pun like: "THE JOKER IS DRIVING MOVIE FANS BATTY”.  

Next, one ore two sentences about the movie: " In the world of comic books, no character has been locked in our imaginations like Batman”, Then they give you a total synopsis of the movie:  "The movie starts and Bruce Wayne is oiling his balls when suddenly he punches a bad guy... etc." 

Finally they end with a brief actual review:  "I enjoyed this move... THE END".  

To any movie fan there is nothing worse then the infamous SPOILER.   Receiving an unintended spoiler is like an unwelcome fondle of the testicles by a camp counselor.  It's not what we signed up for!  I don't NEED to know the plot of the movie.  THAT IS WHY I GO TO THE MOVIE IN THE FIRST PLACE!  These film hacks are so lazy, that after they get to go to their FREE movie, they write a 2 sentence review, then fill there word quota by downloading a wikipedia page and using it as 90% of the review.  If I had a friend who asked me, "How was that movie?" and I responded with "Well it opens with a murder, and Shea Labouff is the Murderer, but you don't find that out till the end...It was pretty good".  My friend would be in his rights to step on my left nutt with golf cleats.   PLEASE REVIEWERS, TRY AND DO JUSTICE TO US FANS.